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Any fabric you can look at and say things like “Are those intestines?,” “Is there a severed thumb in there somewhere?,” or “I think a worm is coming out of that zombie’s eye” is a damn fine piece of material. Also, entirely appropriate for baby shoes. There is something cute about the design of the zombies; they are done in a style that is reminiscent of Adventure Time, Superjail!, or some other random Cartoon Network show.
These adorably rotten crib shoes are made to order with either a soft or black rubber sole. Don’t worry, if your in-laws give you shit about having grotesque creatures donning their precious baby’s feet, you can always remind them what pretty shades of blue the shoes are.
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Season 3 / Episode 1 / The CW
And you say Central City!
And you say awkward Iris date requests! And you say Reverse Flash da malnourished prisoner of the year! And you say Momma and Poppa Allen living a nice retired life! And you say NEW FRESH TO DEATH FLASH IN THE BUILDINGGGGG!!!!
Flashpoint is the story for season 3 and most people on this block don’t need no splainin bout that. Long story short, Flash went back in time to stop Rev. Flash from killing his moms and created an alternate timeline where errrrrythang is all jacked and out of wack.. but his mom is still alive though. Yup. Barry really being the hero we deserve.
Of course the first scene features the most anticipated Flash reveal of the season, with a new and particularly dark skinned young fellow taking up the cowl. His opponent is a man called Rival and they look a lot doper on screen than they were looking in the promo shots. Annnnddddd of course we finish up the new season intro with the Barry and Iris love connection 2K16. I can’t lie, it was kinda smooth tho.
Barry stops by his job at the CCPD, and doesn’t do much but remind us that he’s still a Forensic Scientist and that Captain Mendez is in the building! In the building and looking for Joe West. Barry comes up with an excuse weaker than an infant on the bench press, but convinced Cap to let him off work early so he can drop off a bag of Kennedy’s and toss up 2 giant middle fingers at Reverse Flash. Well, actually it was so that we could have the defining name of the season dropped on us all cute and shit.
Barry wakes up the next day hugging mom dukes tighter than a boa constrictor, has a nice breakfast with the fam, reveals he’s been stalking Iris for 3 months he asked out the girl he’s been seeing at Jitters. They’re happy for him. They ask him to move out. Quick quick!
Ok, so Barry done tore up the timeline, again. His selfishness has had ramifications across the Flash-scape but none seem as depressing as Joe West.
Captain Mendez is as strung out as ever looking all over the place for Joe West when Barry flies over to his place to investigate and finds frat boy Joe West laid up like a bum. He flashes Joe out of his house into some spiffy duds, resting him on the wall in the elevator at the CCPD. He snaps his bender, wakes up, and stays to go HAM on Barry but before Joe could unleash a berserker barrage of more hate and insults, Iris comes strutting in looking like Cleopatra reincarnated. Joe realizes they’re about to go on a date and the roof of his skull nearly turns into a volcanic eruption. They skate, and while on their oddly familiar but oh so new stroll, Barry has some trippy flashback premonition. Just as he comes back to our stratosphere, CCPD tells them to get out of the area because New Flash and Rival are going at it. New Flash puts in a lil’ work then gets bodied and Flash saves him from dying..then goes in because he has some inkling that IT MIGHT BE WALLY FUCKING WEST lying in that dumpster!! What we all knew ages ago is finally revealed.
Barry makes up another one of the worst lies I’ve ever heard to get out of admitting how he knows who Wally is. THEN gets to become the interrogator and ask Wally how he got his powers. Wally tells Barry his story, a story that many people expected could be the way Speed Racer Wally gets powers. Windows tinted, rims shinin’, sittin’ high driving through the wrong damn thunderstorm, at the wrong damn time, getting hit with the right lightning bolt. Wally admits he needs help taking down Rival and the best option they have left on the table is to go see Cisco Ramon. But not before all agreeing that Wally is and will forever be stuck in the baby bro role and will be known as Kid Flash, much to his chagrin.
NOW LEMME STOP YOU RIGHT HERE. The next 3 minutes drops some of the funniest, most fire, grade A, rib shattering new personality intro scenes that The Flash has ever come up with. Richest man in America, Cisco Ramon comes thru on the illest corporate douchebag billionaire playboy pretentious asshole tip. He out here talking bout taking helicopters to work, tossing 20 million dollar offers at some small startup company like Floyd Mayweather tossin’ singles up in Magic City with Drake and 2 Chainz. Cisco acting wild fam. Being blatantly pompous, dropping dirty references to his Ivanka Trump in the face ass girlfriend, dismissing her after that gross AF ridiculously sloppy make-out session all up in front of everybody!! Shit was hilarious doe.
Andddd just like that, he’s telling the team they were told to never come back to Ramon Industries. Then 16 seconds later he gets selective amnesia and invites them into R.A.M.O.N Labs all the while spouting all the reasons he’s not going to help them. Homie one confused ass cat. But he does do us one solid when he drops our first original Earth (or what I’m calling OG Earth) easter eggs when he keeps it 100 with his reason for not wanting to help them. He doesn’t want a mothafuckin supersonic vibrating hand to be plunged into the depths of his extremely shallow heart. Good call back on that one writers.
Then Barry, being the new Wells sucker for manipulating others that he’s becoming, drops the helping out Cisco’s cousin in his biggest time of need story and really stuns Mr. Ramon on some heartfelt shit. BOOM another trippy memory brain attack.
Fed up with his half answers, Barry finally runs back to the Speed Jail to ask Reverse Flash WHAT’S REALLY GOOD. Turns out Barry’s memories are vanishing the more he uses his speed. Eventually he won’t even remember he’s the Flash and this world will become permanent. For some reason this is an excuse to go all out on taking down Rival, so he dons his suit and snatches up all the Team Flash pieces he’s set up on this timeline’s chess board, reveals his identity and tells them everything. They need a few extra seconds to get the whole Flashpoint angle, but a quick little jump into the season 1 and 2 past does the trick, as Barry officially dons the Harrison Wells trope by picking up the white marker and fuckin up some commas on the glass board. He offers up his crime fighting services then kidnaps snatches up Caitlin from her optomologist gig, because clearly fuck her job and we needed the whole gang back together in order to figure out a way to find and stop Rival.
Iris keeps it real with our boy as we cue the CW Sawft violin and piano music!!
Iris: I believe you Barry boo boo. I love everything about my life, except for one thing I haven’t been able to put my fine ass finger on. That thing went away the moment I met you, Barry. What were we on your Earth?
Barry:
Iris: No matter what you did or didn’t call it, I know this is what love feels like.
Barry: You right..
Of course we get into full on Mt. Olympus Greek Gods vs The Titans, Super Saiyan turnt levels of ass kickin’ when Caitlin come flying into the screen deep from left field with a suggestion to modify all speed cameras in the city (with the help of Cisco) to measure near sonic velocities so they can locate Rival. Plan was fuckin flawless as Flash and Kid Flash skip on down to Prescott Sawmill to do battle with this Tick-Zoom hybrid.
Both Flashs engage in a horrible conversation about flanking. I think there must be a joke or metaphor to be made in there but I’m too through shitting on Millenials for not knowing how to appreciate the ways we once did things. Anyway Rival shows he ain’t no shook one by taking off his mask and announcing his name, Edward Clarence, then the battle pops off when Kid Flash ignores the plan and rushes in because he knows he “can take this guy”. Yea, that’s what you thought Kid Flash, that’s what you thought! You thought that all the way up to the moment when you got a metal rod javelined through your body son!!
Nah, but on some real shit, da homie Kid Flash took a jagged pole thru his vital organs and Flash responds by getting that ass handed to him when he tried to put Rival in his place. And what does it take to get Flash to dig deep inside his flashy speed force awesomeness? Who’s seductive, sultry, serenading voice washes over Flash and gives him the strength and testicular fortitude to rise above this chump in an evil black Flash suit?? None other than the future Mrs. Allen, Iris ‘I met you like 2 days ago but feel eternally connected to your dopeness and know exactly what to do and say in these dire situations’ West! Barry turns on the afterburners and delivers the knockout 2 piece combo with biscuits and gravy to take the victory and serve up Rival a fatter L than Snoop Lion ever seen.
The bad guy is taken down and Barry finally comes to his senses and tells the team that he has to right his selfish wrongs and correct the bizarro timeline. He goes to visit his parents and weirds them the hell out when he says he just wanted to see them one last time. Iris helps him stumble his way back to Speed Prison and gets Reverse Flash to bring him back to OG Earth…butttt not before making Barry say, in his own quivering words, that he needs Rev. Flash to kill his mother.
Some Antarctic levels of cold shit right there. Barry does what he has to and Reverse Flash props our boy up and zips them back to the night Barry’s mother was murdered. This time he allows the most tragic moment of his life happen and everything goes back to normal…yeah, normal.
Rev. Flash drops Barry off at home like a neighbor dropping off your 9 year old son. He done returned to OG Earth and decides to give Boa hugs and have drinks with Wally and Joe, in honor of Henry ‘Da Fallen Angel’ Allen cuz we cant forget that the 2nd greatest dad on television went RIPs at the diabolical hands of Zoom last season. Everything was all good until Barry asks where Iris is. Such a simple question. Such a normal thing to ask..until you enter the wrong timeline.
Soooo Iris no longer has a relationship with her father? For the whole upcoming season? Is Barry gonna come along on his white savior flow and mend their downtrodden relationship? Naaaaa that’s too much for me to handle. I’m out. This premiere was dope. Lot’s of moving parts in this Flashpoint story.
Flash Facts
Turns out there’s gotta be an Edward Clarence on OG Earth because a man that looks awfully like him is being called by some demonic voice to scratch the name of and most likely become this season’s villain, Alchemy. I like that.
Are you following Black Nerd Problems on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr or Google+?
Hey wonderful readers,
I’ve been wanting to change my blog name for a while now, but I didn’t know how to (and I’m still figuring it out).
Here’s the deal:
When I started A Womyn’s Worth, I wanted the original spelling of the word “Woman,” but the domain name was taken. So I changed up the spelling to have the title still sound like the title I wanted but with a different spelling.
At the time, I didn’t know that transphobic feminists had been using the word “womyn” to exclude trans people from their movement.
I have NEVER been supportive of anti-trans feminists and do not want to be associated with them.
When I found out about the transphobic use of the term, I was like “Shit! I gotta change the name of my blog,” but I wasn’t sure how to. I have the domain name, the Twitter handle, Facebook page, the Tumblr account, and a few other things that are branded with “Awomynsworth.”
Currently, I’m slowly figuring out how to rebrand and change the titles on all of these accounts without losing my following or the money I spent on the domain name.
So in the meantime, the domain name will stay the same until I can figure out how to redirect it and my blog will be titled A Woman’s Worth.
Thanks for hanging in there with me, everyone. And I sincerely apologize to anyone that I offended or harmed in using the old title. I’m still learning. I hope that you can forgive my oversight.
Thank you
-Shae
Filed under: Intriguing Miscellaneous
We’re back! I think? Barry Allen is living an alternate reality with both of his parents. He’s retained his powers, but he’s spent the last three months laying low, summoning courage to speak to Iris West, hugging his mom and dad, and watching a yellow-clad Flash take care of Central City for a change.
I forgot how much I missed Barry’s stop-slides and graceful Flash pirouettes. The Rival and Kid Flash have a daytime standoff as Barry speeds in just in time to watch. He is creeping hard on the Wests in the Flashpoint world. Now we, as the audience, know that Wally West is the golden-suited speedster, but I forreal had no idea who The Rival (this world’s bad speedster) would be. I wasn’t sure if it was Hunter Zoloman or Eddie or even Henry Allen? I just didn’t think that they’d introduce a new speedster so quickly. Rival kind of hates his name: “I HAVE NO RIVAL!!!!!!!” he screams as he tornado spins and shoots our speed lightning at the CCPD. I roll my eyes… all bad guy speedsters are the same.
Wally/Kid Flash sees Barry watching and assumes that Barry is about to get hit by Rival lightning. You guys, WALLY SAVES BARRY even though it was totally unnecessary, and Barry was into it. Cuties. I’m all for this.
I guess after he gets saved, Barry returns to CC Jitters to try for the 28147938479328th time to talk to Iris. Breathe. Be cool. Smile. Be clever. He steals her wallet. Oh, Barry, you gotta be the hero, don’t you?
The Westallen conversation starts off strong if we ignore the fact that he stole her wallet but quickly adorkably declines. In Barry’s favor, of course. It’s why we love him. #IcedTea
On all Earths and across all timelines, Barry is a CSI for CCPD. Interesting. We get another fun, nerdy surprise: Captain Julio Mendez is Barry’s boss in this life! Alex Desert reprises his role from the original Flash series and joins John Wesley Shipp, Amanda Pays, Mark Hamill, and Vito D’Ambrosio in the Double-Flash Hall of Cameos. Has he taken Joe’s place as Joe’s black mentor? Possibly. Detective Joe West’s desk is empty. Oh no, his character has downgraded to a lazy, alcoholic, absentee father black stereotype. SOMEONE, HELP! THIS FLASHPOINT LIFE IS AWFUL! WHY DOESN’T BARRY SEE THAT?
Barry whooshes after work with a to-go bag of Big Belly Burger… to the place where he’s holding Eobard Thawne/Reverse Flash in captivity, presumably for the last three months. Confusingly, Barry travels through the Speed Force Tunnel to get to Eobard’s prison. Where/when is Eobard in jail?
It really is a reverse “It’s a Wonderful Life”: Barry taunts Eobard from outside his glass cage in a subversion of roles. I don’t like this… is Barry being the hero right now? Eobard warns him that this life is fiction and sooner or later, he’ll break out and destroy Barry’s happiness. Again. It’s what they do. “One day, soon, Barry, you’ll be begging me to kill her again.”
To Barry, that doesn’t seem likely. He heads to his picture perfect house where his parents immediately greet him with pet names we’ve heard pre-Flashpoint. The Allens are cute and graying and Barry smiles and I AM EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED. There’s a picture of Daddy Allen and Mommy Allen hugging Barry in his graduation cap. STEAL THAT PICTURE BEFORE YOU GO TO YOUR REAL LIFE, BARRY. So this is how Barry has been dealing with his recent orphan status: major denial. The denial-iest of all denials. He is literally living in an alternate universe where he refuses to move out of his parents house because they are his best friends who he tells all his secrets and wishes and desires to. No, Barry, no.
Speaking of Barry’s parental figures: Joe is passed out drunk in the middle of the day and painfully unaware that he’s about to be fired. Barry saves him(because that’s what he does) by speed-showering Joe West like a grown-ass baby. Joe is resentful and confused… and probably still drink. “Am I wearing a sign that says ‘HELP ME’?” Flashpoint!Joe is salty AF. He also does not approve of Westallen.
On their Westallen walk to their first Westallen date, my two cutie-pies stare and smile and strengthen their bond. They’re interrupted by Kid Flash v. Rival showdown and Iris is the one to make a quick getaway. I like this flip: usually Barry is the one who mysteriously mumble, “Uh I uh gotta go uh raincheck uh bye?”
Barry speeds over just in time to funnel-arm Wally West into a dumpster. Weird sentence, yes, but that’s what happened. Barry unmasks him, which makes me kinda mad because I doubt Barry would want someone else to de-mask him if he was the one unconscious in a dumpster.
Wally brings Barry back to his Flash HQ… it’s a loft. With a treadmill. Dayum. It turns out that Wally and Iris are a brother-sister crime fighting unit! I CHEERED REAL HARD Y’ALL.
Barry volunteers to help Wally beat Rival, but they need the help of Cisco Ramon, current CEO of Ramon Industries. Flashpoint!Cisco is the richest man in America, and he loves it.
Their. Faces. Watching. Cisco. Make. Out. Also, Barry’s face lit up when he saw Cisco for the first time in three month. LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE. Apparently, “Mr. Ramon” helped create Wally’s friction-resistant suit, but does not in any way shape or form want to help them beat bad guys. Because he wants to smash his gigantic girlfriend and make money instead. Barry “String Bean” Allen does that thing where he stares into your eyes and convinces you that life is worth living and giving:
Catalyzed by a moment of Feels, Barry experiences his second Memory Montage of the day. He angrily interrogates Eobard about the loss of his memories; Eobard tells him that a Flashpoint side-effect is forgetting his original life because it’s being overwritten by his current one. Eobard sounds like he’s done this before, just sayin’. “Why isn’t it happening to you?!?!” Barry screams at the Reverse Flash.
“YOUR SPEED! THE MORE YOU USE IT HAHAHA THE FASTER HAHAHA YOU LOSE YOUR MEMORIES AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA” –Eobard Thawne, basically
Barry’s mad. He screams and speeds out of there. Dammit.
Barry gathers up the team that he knows: he speed-kidnaps them all—despite knowing that he should really, really stop using his speed— and tells them about Flashpoint. Team Flash is back, baby! Kind of.
After about two minutes of working together, Dr. Caitlin Snow comes up with the idea to use the street-cameras as speedster alerts to measure high-velocities and Mr. Cisco Ramon reprograms them using her idea. KillerVibe is here and I thank god. Things are coming together. Most importantly, Iris instinctually knows that Barry is telling the truth.
Barry and Wally team up to face off against Rival… and I try not to dance around. Is this Season 3, you guys? I need this team up every week. EVERY. WEEK. I want Barry to give Wally advice to speed up. I want Wally to grow and learn and force Barry to reevaluate himself. I want the two of them to become the brothers that they were destined to be.
Wally’s superhero quips are straight fire. So so so good. Barry tells him that they should flank each other and stay in position. Wally didn’t even know “flanking” was a thing.
Wally doesn’t listen to Barry. He’s young and cocky… solo speedsters usually are. It does not end well. In fact, Kid Flash gets impaled and it’s terrible. WE JUST GOT HIM. DON’T TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME.
Rival aka Edward Clariss taunts Barry, not realizing that he is the real fastest man alive. They run around and, I don’t know, punch eachother. This is so dumb. BARRY, STOP USING YOUR SPEED. More and more of Barry’s memories fade away.. Rival takes advantage of Barry’s distraction and creates a crazy speed twister. Barry is almost a goner, but then Iris West aka Barry’s Anchor reminds him that BARRY ALLEN IS THE MOTHAFUGGING FLASH.
Boom boom pow! Barry essentially becomes a speed tornado and cancels out Rival’s tornado. He knocks the bad speedster out with a sonic jump punch. Just as I wonder where they’re going to imprison Rival, Detective Joe West shoots Rival down just before the bad guy has a chance to stab Barry in the back. So there’s another character trait consistent across all timelines: Joe West is clutch as hell.
They take Wally back to S.T.A.R. Labs Ramon Industries, but he’s not speed-healing. Everyone is sad. “Everyone has been paying for my happiness,” Barry realized. He knows what he has to do. But, first, he needs to say goodbye.
I love love love that Barry asked Iris to come along with him as he did this. She will always support him. She will always be his anchor. Together, they go to Eobard Thawne to set him free. Eobard is the worst of the worst and makes Barry beg:
“I hate you.”
“I hate you. And I sometimes wonder which of us is right.”
He is such a good villain. Eobard isn’t as scary as Zoom, but he’s so much more interesting and complex. Flashpoint!Iris and Barry say there goodbyes. They kiss. We cry.
Before Eobard drags Barry’s weakening body back to the night of Nora Allen’s murder, he says, “Today, I get to be the hero.” Damn. This show. This gotdamb show.
So we’re back in the Season 2 Finale when that Barry stops that Reverse Flash from killing his mom. that Barry tells his mom “You’re safe,” but then the post-flashpoint Reverse Flash interrupts with a “Actually, you’re not. ” Then, Season 2 Finale Flash + Reverse Flash dissipate into thin air, while poor Nora Allen is like, “AM I SAFE OR WHAT?” Most stressful last moments of life EVER.
Now, I don’t know when Eobard found time to shave, but he did and shows off his smooth, hairless butt-chin as he drops Barry off at the West House scene from the season 2 finale. Eobard cryptically tells Barry that things are now back to normal(ish).. for him, anyway. Shit, what does that even mean?
Barry goes inside and hugs his little brother, Wally. Everyone is confused. And by “everyone” I just mean Joe and Wally. Where did the others go? Is there no more party?
Barry mentions Iris, and the Wests blow a fuse. “Iris” is their trigger word, apparently. Iris doesn’t talk to them. There’s been a Flashpoint ripple. WHAT DID REVERSE FLASH DO WHEN HE SHAVED HIS PRISONER BEARD?
End Tag: Edward Clariss gets woken up by a disembodied voice.
Super-Quick Things:
- Channel 52 News
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Eobard Thawne is… a voice of reason https://twitter.com/letsgetfree13/status/783465154327506948
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This Barisco moment: http://laurelance.tumblr.com/post/151362241330
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Caitlin as a pediatric ophthalmologist: https://www.instagram.com/p/BLLOtGLjS_f/?taken-by=flashbehindtheseams
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Same ol’ Cisco
http://dailycisco.tumblr.com/post/151362538298/115-301
GLAD TO BE BACK! It’s gonna be a good season.
