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She makes being a cat lady cute — and very funny.
Speculation is rampant as to who might take their final bow in Infinity War, but “these folks are gonna die” lists are missing a crucial element: how loud my sobbing will be if the following people get killed.
Using a highly scientific approach of a year’s worth of studying Infinity War trailers and commentary and my gut instinct, I present you with the characters I think most likely to kick the bucket, ranked by what this development will mean to me personally.
6. Vision
Most camps agree that Vision is pretty much a goner, since the Mind Stone is embedded in his forehead and Thanos needs to collect ’em all, and also nobody cares about Vision. From what we’ve seen from trailers and toys, it seems like Vision gets roughed up pretty bad at one point, and potentially the whole standoff in Wakanda is taking place because Shuri’s trying to find a way to remove the Stone without killing him.
But Vision never quite clicked with the audience, meaning me, and while it seems like Infinity War is going to play up his romance with Wanda, I feel like this is a last-gasp attempt to make us care when he dies.
Crying factor: I will stare dry-eyed at Vision’s death, thankful that another reminder that Age of Ultron happened is gone.
5. Drax the Destroyer
The extremely literal Guardian of the Galaxy has a pretty huge bone to pick with Thanos, considering that the Mad Titan killed Drax’s whole family. Avenging his family’s murder has been Drax’s M.O. since we met him, so he’s going to be looking to take a piece out of the big purple guy.
Drax is fine; I’ve enjoyed Dave Bautista’s embodiment of him, but I think the Guardians will get along just fine, Drax-less. Drax will want to fight tooth and nail against Thanos, and if he does, he’s going to have a bad time.
Crying factor: If Drax goes out, I will shed a single tear, and perhaps a few more if he gives a last, gasping speech about rejoining his family.
4. Hawkeye
I’m convinced that Hawkeye’s almost total omission from Infinity War promos isn’t because he dies early on: that would be too much of an obvious spoiler. But I do think that doom lies in wait for Clint Barton’s surprise secret family from the unfortunate Age of Ultron, and that this will launch him down a Drax-type path of seeking revenge against Thanos—perhaps by taking up an alternate identity from the comics. Even if Hawkeye gets some badass scenes and a cool new costume, however, it’s hard to imagine how he fits into the Avengers world going forward.
Marvel denied us a Clint/Natasha romance, which many fans wanted after Avengers; there’s been no sign of any kind of solo Hawkeye film; living family or no, Clint’s been framed as a guy who just wants to settle down. I think he’ll be killed by Thanos, which gives us the shock value of an original Avengers member taken out, no doubt also a galvanizing force for the team. I’m fond of Hawkeye and sad about what was done with his characterization: pretty much nothing.
Crying factor: If Clint dies in his BFF Natasha’s arms I will cry not a small amount.
3. Nebula
While Nebula became a sorta-good guy by the end of the second Guardians of the Galaxy, it’s likely that she won’t get to stay on the team for long. Her single-minded mission is to kill Thanos for the abusive upbringing that he inflicted on her. I think she’ll get to go out in a last gasp of heroism—perhaps protecting her sister Gamora, who will be really pissed.
While I personally think that the whole Thanos thing should wrap up with Nebula and Gamora kicking his ass into another dimension, it’s hard to imagine Marvel giving us that glorious retribution. Still, Nebula’s sacrifice would make for a heart-wrenching twist and a motivating moment for the Guardians, especially Gamora, who has only just got her sibling back.
Crying factor: I have a thing for morally ambiguous quasi-villains who lean towards being antiheroes, so I like Nebula and her arc quite a bit. If she dies in Gamora’s arms I will need to break out the tissues.
2. Loki
Speaking of morally ambiguous quasi-villains who lean towards being antiheroes, things aren’t looking too good for my guy Loki. While some of us Loki fans cling to the hope that all of the heavy-seeming suggestion that Loki will die means that he actually won’t—surprise!—I’m still afraid that this might be the first big death of Infinity War. If I were to guess, Thanos ruthlessly attacks the Asgardian refugee ship in the movie’s opening moments (we see him bearing down on them at the end of Ragnarok). Thanos then threatens Thor (we see him squeezing Thor’s head), and Loki himself is being threatened by the Black Order, with Proxima Midnight pointing her weapon at his head.
Whether it’s an attempt to save his brother’s life or his own, Loki hands over the Tesseract. This is when I am much afeard that we’re going to see Proxima Midnight’s spear in action. She has a special spear that can kill anyone in one blow—this thing was forged from a sun trapped in distorted space-time and has the power of a star, a supernova, and a black hole behind it. Yeah.
What better way to show us that the ruthless Black Order means business than to demonstrate the spear’s ability to take down Loki? Thanos promised Loki a world of pain for failing his mission in the Avengers, and he’s unlikely to let Loki live after he went on the lam. While I’m hoping our favorite trickster finds a sneaky way to escape, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s the loss of his brother—newly returned to his side—along with his people that launches Thor into the tragic, transformative storyline the Russos keep promising.
Crying factor: I will set this theater on fire and then put out said fire with all of the tears that I will cry if Loki dies.
1. Captain America
Although I don’t want to face facts, the fact is that Steve Rogers is living on borrowed time. Chris Evans has been pretty clear that he’s done with the MCU after Avengers 4, but it’s possible that when we see Steve in Avengers 4 (remember those set photos?) it’s through a flashback, a rip in time, magic, or an Infinity Stone-induced journey, and he really dies in Infinity War.
The loss of Captain America leaves room for Bucky—newly tight with the Wakandans, and mostly back to his old self—to take up the Captain America mantle, should the MCU want to follow in the comics’ direction. For Bucky to lose his best friend so soon after they’re reunited is tragic as hell, but it would set him up nicely for an emotional arc going forward and elevate his importance in the events of Avengers 4. Wakanda is the MCU’s future, and Bucky is well-positioned therein.
Like Hawkeye, it’s hard to see where Steve Rogers would go from here. He’s gone full Nomad and is considered a dangerous fugitive; even if the world forgives him after he saves it, there’s really no going back to being the star-spangled man for Steve. Part of me wants to believe that Steve’s death, like Loki’s, seems so obvious that maybe the Russos won’t go there just to surprise us.
It’s incredibly hard to envision Avengers 4 without Captain America, but that may be what we’re in for. While Tony Stark has long been the MCU’s flashiest hero, for me Cap is the heart and soul of the franchise. To really make Infinity War hurt—like the Russos keep promising that it will—they’re probably going to have to rip that heart out (and mine along with it).
Crying factor: If Steve dies in Bucky’s arms I will be able to paddle right out of that accursed theater on a river comprised of my own tears.
Who do you think isn’t going to make it in Infinity War? And whose death would leave you emotionally compromised?
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—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—
new twitter challenge: describe yourself like a male author would
— Whit Reynolds (@whitneyarner) April 1, 2018
The way that some male writers have a tendency to write female characters—with emphasis on their looks and their breasts—has long been a popular subject of Internet conversation and derision. Today a Twitter thread invited people to imagine themselves as a male writer would.
The “challenge,” promoted by podcaster Whit Reynolds and writer Kate Leth, was kicked off by another Tweet:
A male author is insisting that he is living proof that it’s possible for a male author to write an authentic female protagonist.
Here’s a quote from his first page. pic.twitter.com/f6d5bN2EHq
— Gwen C. Katz (@gwenckatz) March 30, 2018
That it’s so easy for Twitter users to chime in with their guy-writer descriptions demonstrates how widespread this sort of writing is. The focus of male writers when turning their gaze on women is something that most of have read so many times that we could produce these in our sleep.
Worse, several people in the thread say that as a woman over 50, or someone outside of patriarchal beauty standards, they don’t have a description at all—because they’re considered invisible by the type of author who likes to write about the way a t-shirt clings to the curve of a small but well-shaped breast.
Carolyn was old. Not sure how old, doesn’t matter, too old for the likes of me. And fat. Wore glasses. No makeup. It’s like she gave up trying to be attractive for men. Or women. Whichever. I’m not sexist.
She may have won a Nobel in her day, but she sure was nothing to look at.— LJ Breedlove (@LJBreedlove) April 1, 2018
She caught my eye in a peripheral sort of way; just enough that I noticed her form in the background. Upon inspection, her tight frown and standoffish demeanor invited me to skate my eyes away from her in discomfort. Moments later, she was completely erased from my memory.
— Alicia Mestre (@aliciamestre) April 1, 2018
Let’s be realistic, as a middle-aged woman in tech, no male author would describe me, ever.
— Kathleen (@PeaceLoveUnix) April 1, 2018
And in terms of descriptions of diverse characters, Asian women knew exactly what to expect.
basically, pic.twitter.com/io8s3Y14UF
— Amanda Wong (@amandawtwong) April 1, 2018
[insert something about being mixed race and how that makes me petite and inherently submissive but juxtapose it with the idea of me being adorably aggressive and will stand up for myself. But make it sound endearing. ]
— Lilly Beth Chung (@LillyBethChungx) April 1, 2018
something abt porcelain skin because Asian, something about petite and submissive because Asian, something about silky raven Asian hair, something about exotic and something about almond shaped eyes because Asian
— Marie Lum 林 (@PuccaNoodles) April 1, 2018
Some respondents had fun with the challenge, but the reason their satire works is that it’s playing off of characterizations we’ve seen time and time again.
She was beautiful, inside and out, even with her flaws, which were few and endearing. After all, if I cared to notice anything deeper about her and consider her a dimensional human being my obsessive fantasy of her might be shattered.
— Cami Ragaglia (@Cami_Rags) April 1, 2018
Now some of the men in the thread are chiming in that it’s making them scared to write female characters.
Every dude who has responded to this thread with “this makes me scared to write women” — stop it, cut it out, nobody cares, just treat us like people. https://t.co/zJyp8I7Lss
— Kate Leth 🦇✨🌈 (@kateleth) April 2, 2018
My dudes, no one is saying that you shouldn’t try. Just try to write your women as humans (or aliens, or what have you) instead of sexual objects. If you’re worried about your characterization, ask a lady friend for their opinion, or find a lady editor and listen to their feedback. We need men to write women with sensitivity and grace. And I promise we don’t think about our boobs half so much as you imagine.
(images: Twitter, Tumblr)
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—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—