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I should start by saying I’d like to apologize to whatever Norse Gods I offended that lead to me being assigned reviewing this film. I’ll sacrifice three curried goats plates and seven bundles of virgin Brazilian hair to never end up here again. I should also say before this film I had never watched or read anything Fifty Shades, even that goofy ass Wayans brothers’ parody (truly why in the name of sweet nappy-haired Baby Black Jesus are these things still happening in this here year of our Lord Viola Davis 2018?). I did breeze over two reviews, one from what I believe is a woman of color, who calls it an anti-feminist ignorant hate anthem and one from a white woman who champions it as an ode to consent and the #metoo movement. So, honestly, I went into this with an open mind already knowing I was fucked. So here is a list of 10 things I wish I would have done instead of slowly dying through Fifty Shades Freed.
1. Teach Amy Nicholson of Variety Magazine what the word consent means
2. and feminism
3. …and that marriage is not the ultimate contract of consent.
I am a strong believer what we need to stop telling young girls in elementary school that when a boy pushes her off the swings it means he has a crush on her. We need to stop associating abusive behavior with love. The Fifty Shades franchise is a study on possessiveness and mental/emotional abuse. I know, I know, Country First Twitter would lead you to believe a normal consensual practice between two (or more if you’re fun) adults is abuse. That BDSM is somehow shameful or wrong (even though every day some red state politician is getting caught pants down and ball gagged). But it’s not…unless Christian Grey is involved, then it’s like a gender studies 101 section on rape culture. Christian Grey (played by Jamie Dornan), who obviously knows what consent means (I’m lying) when he jokes about how he should have asked Ana before buying their new house, is a case study on gas lighting and masculine fragility. He spends three movies and millions of dollars on molding the perfect partner who is now free (vomits) from her previous small world, innocent ways. But suddenly marriage changes how Ana can be “free”, her lovely beau doesn’t want her to be nude on a nude beach that he took her to. Like bro what the fuck did you expect?
4. Individually pluck all the hairs off my body with tweezers.
5. Clean all the gum and unidentified stickiness off the bottom of the movie theater seats.
6. Take whatever fast & furious class Ana took for that “we’re being followed scene.”
Like seriously, what the fuck? Obviously, I know so little about what came before this film but when did it switch from a multimillion-dollar low budget porn to a Jason Bourne series. Ana whipping through traffic like she trained at the school of Gone in Sixty Seconds. Also, the scene where they start banging in the parking structure after their “near-death experience” is like the director James Foley was like “um yeah… this is supposed to be a steamy movie…uuuuuh drop some sex right here, who cares if it makes sense”
7. Finally watch a movie where attractive women don’t have to be in competition with each other.
I think I see (like very loosely without my glasses, after a long night of drinking tequila and body shots off some hairy dude) how E.L. James intended to make our lovely naïve protagonist Ana Steel (played by Dakota Johnson) stronger in this installment. But what we really got was another tired cliché of a woman who could only find her voice when a, there was another beautiful woman there to establish dominance over (ha get it? vomits) or b, empowered by her beau. Earlier in the film, Ana is talking to the homely cook in their home and desperately wants to be called Ana, not Mrs. Gray and is trying her best to not feel like a privileged trophy wife. Fast forward to meeting the sultry Gia Matteo where suddenly Ana done found the bass in her voice and wants to be called Mrs. Grey and puts that “trick” in her place. Yawn, it’s exhausting, wake me up when a movie doesn’t have a woman threatened by another woman. This same woman couldn’t bring herself to boss up to bae when he cried about her using her maiden name in lieu of his million dollar one so she could establish herself in the workplace.
5. Listen to every sound cloud link sent to me on Twitter.
6. Build a time machine and go back and slap Stephanie Meyers.
Seriously, I can’t believe y’all people sat through Twilight and this shite.
7. Teach a class to young women on the difference between sexual freedom and sexual exploitation. And bring in a guest speaker for the difference between dominance and possessiveness.
I am not in any shape or form an expert on consent or BDSM. But I know what it’s like to be misled by society and movies and skinemax (back when we had to get our porn the old fashion way, hiding from our parents in the middle of the night and hoping the volume on the TV wasn’t up). I know what it’s like to think I am being provocative and edgy and “free,” only to realize months/years and twenty therapy sessions later that I was actually taken advantage of. To look back at all the frogs I called prince and realize I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to have sex that one time… but I also felt bad …and didn’t want to lead him on. Or that the soreness was my fault or okay ’cause it would pass in a few days. Instead of acknowledging the fact that he wasn’t considering my pleasure or comfort at all. To realize how many men treated me like a sex doll but still wanted my emotional investment in them.
8. Let a budding tattoo artist practice on me.
9. Go onto Chat Roulette.
Like honestly I’d rather deal with the random dick rotation that watch this again.
10. Get romantic advice from Steve Harvey and Tyrese.
The alabaster love child of E.L. James and James Foley is extra cringe-worthy and uncomfortable and not sexy and wiggity wiggity wack. Women deserve better stories, better #relationshipgoals, and better sex.
2 out of 10 “Reclaiming My Time” memes
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The post Instead of Listening To Every Sound Cloud Link Sent To Me On Twitter I Reviewed Fifty Shades Freed and I Made The Wrong Choice appeared first on Black Nerd Problems.
I should start by saying I’d like to apologize to whatever Norse Gods I offended that lead to me being assigned reviewing this film. I’ll sacrifice three curried goats plates and seven bundles of virgin Brazilian hair to never end up here again. I should also say before this film I had never watched or read anything Fifty Shades, even that goofy ass Wayans brothers’ parody (truly why in the name of sweet nappy-haired Baby Black Jesus are these things still happening in this here year of our Lord Viola Davis 2018?). I did breeze over two reviews, one from what I believe is a woman of color, who calls it an anti-feminist ignorant hate anthem and one from a white woman who champions it as an ode to consent and the #metoo movement. So, honestly, I went into this with an open mind already knowing I was fucked. So here is a list of 10 things I wish I would have done instead of slowly dying through Fifty Shades Freed.
1. Teach Amy Nicholson of Variety Magazine what the word consent means
2. and feminism
3. …and that marriage is not the ultimate contract of consent.
I am a strong believer what we need to stop telling young girls in elementary school that when a boy pushes her off the swings it means he has a crush on her. We need to stop associating abusive behavior with love. The Fifty Shades franchise is a study on possessiveness and mental/emotional abuse. I know, I know, Country First Twitter would lead you to believe a normal consensual practice between two (or more if you’re fun) adults is abuse. That BDSM is somehow shameful or wrong (even though every day some red state politician is getting caught pants down and ball gagged). But it’s not…unless Christian Grey is involved, then it’s like a gender studies 101 section on rape culture. Christian Grey (played by Jamie Dornan), who obviously knows what consent means (I’m lying) when he jokes about how he should have asked Ana before buying their new house, is a case study on gas lighting and masculine fragility. He spends three movies and millions of dollars on molding the perfect partner who is now free (vomits) from her previous small world, innocent ways. But suddenly marriage changes how Ana can be “free”, her lovely beau doesn’t want her to be nude on a nude beach that he took her to. Like bro what the fuck did you expect?
4. Individually pluck all the hairs off my body with tweezers.
5. Clean all the gum and unidentified stickiness off the bottom of the movie theater seats.
6. Take whatever fast & furious class Ana took for that “we’re being followed scene.”
Like seriously, what the fuck? Obviously, I know so little about what came before this film but when did it switch from a multimillion-dollar low budget porn to a Jason Bourne series. Ana whipping through traffic like she trained at the school of Gone in Sixty Seconds. Also, the scene where they start banging in the parking structure after their “near-death experience” is like the director James Foley was like “um yeah… this is supposed to be a steamy movie…uuuuuh drop some sex right here, who cares if it makes sense”
7. Finally watch a movie where attractive women don’t have to be in competition with each other.
I think I see (like very loosely without my glasses, after a long night of drinking tequila and body shots off some hairy dude) how E.L. James intended to make our lovely naïve protagonist Ana Steel (played by Dakota Johnson) stronger in this installment. But what we really got was another tired cliché of a woman who could only find her voice when a, there was another beautiful woman there to establish dominance over (ha get it? vomits) or b, empowered by her beau. Earlier in the film, Ana is talking to the homely cook in their home and desperately wants to be called Ana, not Mrs. Gray and is trying her best to not feel like a privileged trophy wife. Fast forward to meeting the sultry Gia Matteo where suddenly Ana done found the bass in her voice and wants to be called Mrs. Grey and puts that “trick” in her place. Yawn, it’s exhausting, wake me up when a movie doesn’t have a woman threatened by another woman. This same woman couldn’t bring herself to boss up to bae when he cried about her using her maiden name in lieu of his million dollar one so she could establish herself in the workplace.
5. Listen to every sound cloud link sent to me on Twitter.
6. Build a time machine and go back and slap Stephanie Meyers.
Seriously, I can’t believe y’all people sat through Twilight and this shite.
7. Teach a class to young women on the difference between sexual freedom and sexual exploitation. And bring in a guest speaker for the difference between dominance and possessiveness.
I am not in any shape or form an expert on consent or BDSM. But I know what it’s like to be misled by society and movies and skinemax (back when we had to get our porn the old fashion way, hiding from our parents in the middle of the night and hoping the volume on the TV wasn’t up). I know what it’s like to think I am being provocative and edgy and “free,” only to realize months/years and twenty therapy sessions later that I was actually taken advantage of. To look back at all the frogs I called prince and realize I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to have sex that one time… but I also felt bad …and didn’t want to lead him on. Or that the soreness was my fault or okay ’cause it would pass in a few days. Instead of acknowledging the fact that he wasn’t considering my pleasure or comfort at all. To realize how many men treated me like a sex doll but still wanted my emotional investment in them.
8. Let a budding tattoo artist practice on me.
9. Go onto Chat Roulette.
Like honestly I’d rather deal with the random dick rotation that watch this again.
10. Get romantic advice from Steve Harvey and Tyrese.
The alabaster love child of E.L. James and James Foley is extra cringe-worthy and uncomfortable and not sexy and wiggity wiggity wack. Women deserve better stories, better #relationshipgoals, and better sex.
2 out of 10 “Reclaiming My Time” memes
Are you following Black Nerd Problems on Twitter, Facebook,Instagram, Tumblr, YouTube or Google+?
The post Instead of Listening To Every Sound Cloud Link Sent To Me On Twitter I Reviewed Fifty Shades Freed and I Made The Wrong Choice appeared first on Black Nerd Problems.
Warning: Serious spoilers are ahead for the Star Wars Rebels season four episodes, “Jedi Night” and “DUME.” Jump into hyperspace and away from this page if you haven’t watched the episodes yet.
Star Wars Rebels is unique in the greater Star Wars universe for myriad reasons. It’s enriched mythology and exploration of the Force in ways we haven’t quite seen before. The animated series focuses on a family, and not family related by blood, but family that’s chosen each other. The show’s shown one of the few mother-daughter relationships in the galaxy with Sabine Wren and her mother Ursa. And now, it adds another first: Star Wars Rebels lost a key character in Monday’s episode and took the time to face grief and the different ways it can manifest.
Leia Organa watched the Empire destroy Alderaan. She had no time to dwell on emotion because of the looming attack on the Death Star. Han perished in The Force Awakens, but characters had to worry about getting away from Starkiller Base and then evacuating the rebel base on D’Qar. I could give more examples, but other than brief or symbolic scenes of grief, we haven’t had the opportunity to get up close and personal with loss in Star Wars.
Kanan Jarrus, voiced by Freddie Prinze Jr. (I cannot give enough praise for his performance in “Jedi Night”), sacrificed himself to save his family. After rescuing Hera from the Imperials, he used the Force to hold back a massive explosion that would have engulfed him, Hera, Ezra, and Sabine. It’s the ultimate Jedi act to be so selfless. In Kanan’s final look at Hera, he regained his sight. He viewed things clearly. I couldn’t see any fear, only determination. It was a heartbreaking but beautiful end for the character who’s gone from a reluctant teacher to a wise warrior and mentor.
To kill a central character is no trivial matter. Not in Star Wars. We’ve watched some major characters we’ve known and loved for decades pass in recent films, sure, but this isn’t Game of Thrones—you don’t expect a key death every other episode. And, though it’s easy for me to forget, Rebels is a children’s TV show. That’s why it’s especially important to see the rest of the Ghost crew react.
Kanan’s death had a huge impact on his family. That’s obvious. I could say so without on-screen evidence because we know they all cared for one another. But we saw every member of the crew process the news. Zeb and Sabine grieved through anger; they wanted to exact revenge upon the Empire, a life for a life. Ezra responded with fear. He lost his teacher and a father figure; he admitted to the loth-wolves he was afraid. Hera was despondent. She’d just told Kanan she loved him; she reacted with sadness and regret and guilt.
As the second episode, “DUME,” progressed, each character took small steps forward. They honored Kanan’s memory by remembering his optimism and his teachings. They were assisted by Chopper (by the way, Chopper taking Hera’s hand nearly broke me) and by the mysterious loth-wolves, including one giant one called Dume, which is Kanan’s true last name. Kanan’s loss is going to be painful for a long time. This is the first personal loss for the group, and given how long they’ve been fighting the Empire, that’s kind of remarkable. This will leave scars on all of them.
Nothing about grief is straightforward. It’s complex with flowing threads primed for tangles and knots. The feelings can come and go in waves. While we only saw the beginning of how the rebels grapple with their new reality without Kanan, it was impactful, well-crafted, and performed with precision and grace.
What do you think of what happened to Kanan? How about the reaction of the Ghost crew? Tell me in the comments.
Images: Disney XD/Lucasfilm
Amy Ratcliffe is an Associate Editor for Nerdist. She likes Star Wars a little. Follow her on Twitter.
More Star Wars Rebels!
- How Mortis is tying into Star Wars Rebels.
- Dave Filoni on Hera and Kanan’s kiss earlier this season.
- Filoni discusses why Kanan cut his hair.
Eerie, Indiana is one of the most unique, spooky, and fun kids TV shows of all time. It tells the story of Marshall Teller, who’s recently relocated to the creepy suburb of Eerie, Indiana (pop 16,661) and spends his time exploring the mysteries of his strange new hometown. Working as a kids version of Twilight Zone with a recurring cast, the show was a fun twist on anthology sci-fi that played with the medium and dissected classic genre tropes.
The show is often forgotten when it comes to our fave kids TV shows due to the fact that its original 18 episodes only ran from September 1991 to April 1992 on NBC, before disappearing off our screens until 1993 when Disney picked it up for syndication (giving us an extra episode in the process); it eventually moved over to Fox Kids in 1997. For those who do remember it, the strange show holds a special place in our hearts. Luckily, if you’re desperate to revisit Eerie or have yet to discover it, fret not, for it’s currently streaming on Amazon! So for your viewing pleasure here are our top seven essential episodes to start your Eerie, Indiana binge!
“Foreverware” (Episode one)
Directed by Joe Dante, the first episode Eerie, Indiana really set the bar for the rest of the cult classic kids show. From the vibrant, abstract opening titles that pay homage to Hitchcock’s Vertigo, you know that you’re watching something truly special. In this fun take on The Stepford Wives, Marshall and his best friend Simon explore a group of local moms who have a penchant for vintage clothes. After some investigation, it turns out they keep themselves forever young by sleeping in Tupperware-style containers. A classic episode, this one will likely you give you instant nostalgia if you ever watched the Fox Kids Saturday morning schedule!
“The Retainer” (Episode two)
Marshall and Simon’s adventures get even weirder in the second episode of the series when their friend Steve visits Eerie’s local orthodontist. He gets an extravagant retainer that happens to give him the power to read the minds of local dogs! A super fun entry in Eerie canon, this tale takes a humorously dark twist when Marshall hooks a tape recorder up to Steve’s retainer and the crew discover that man’s best friend isn’t actually that friendly at all.
“ATM with a Heart of Gold” (Episode three)
When Marshall’s dad invents a Max Headroom-style ATM called Mr. Wilson. It’s meant to make banking friendlier… so friendly, in fact, that Simon become firm friends with him. That’s strange enough, but this tale really kicks off when Mr. Wilson starts giving his new friend Simon money, which ends up throwing the entirety of Eerie into bankruptcy. A cute sci-fi parable about greed, friendship, and loneliness, “ATM with a Heart of Gold” is a total gem.
“Heart on a Chain” (Episode seven)
My personal fave ever episode, “Heart on a Chain” takes a classic genre trope and flips it on its head. We meet Melanie, a girl with a serious heart condition who sets the young men of Eerie’s hearts aflame. As Marshall and his bad boy friend Devon compete for her affections, Devon dies in a car accident, leaving Melanie with a brand new heart and a whole new personality. This is a radical episode as it stars horror icon Danielle Harris and has one of the creepiest moments of the series. (Keep an eye out in the background of the final scene!)
“The Lost Hour” (Episode 10)
Every good science fiction movie needs a time loop story. When Marshall decides he doesn’t want to respect Daylight Saving Time, he ends up in an alternate dimension where people who don’t change their watches get trapped… forever! This version of Eerie looks the same except everyone Marshall’s ever known or loved is gone. There’s just Marshall, a mysterious milkman, a young girl who got trapped the year before, and a group of creepy garbage collectors who appear to be after them!
“Tornado Days” (Episode 12*)
Things go awry in Eerie as the town gets ready for its annual picnic celebrating the local tornado, Old Bob. Marshall decides to ignore the festivities until a tornado hunter crashes into his front lawn, claiming that Old Bob is trying to kill him and Marshall might just be next! See, Old Bob is a tornado with an ego and he doesn’t take being ignored lightly. “Tornado Days” pokes gentle fun at the kind of hilarious local traditions that we’ve all grown up with while being an engaging story about a sentient natural disaster!
“Tornado Days” is listed as episode 13 on Amazon.
“Reality Takes a Holiday” (Episode 17*)
Introducing kids to metacommentary way back in 1992, Eerie, Indiana went full self-referential when Marshall finds himself backstage on the set of a TV show with everyone calling him by his IRL name Omri Katz! This was the official final episode of Eerie, Indiana, though a secret last episode—”The Broken Record”—was aired by Disney (and later by Fox) when the show was picked for syndication. A true exercise in pushing the boundaries of a half hour kids show, this is one of the absolute highlights of Eerie, Indiana’s short life span.
“Reality Takes a Holiday” is listed as episode 19 on Amazon.
Will you be checking out Eerie, Indiana? Did we miss you favorite episode? Was Omri Katz your first crush? Let us know in the comments!
Images: NBC
More essential episodes lists!
- The essential episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
- The essential episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- The essential episodes of Game of Thrones