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A woman says she found her married college professor’s Tinder account.

She says she decided to use the situation to her advantage by writing her final paper for his philosophy class about the subject of cheating on one’s partner.

“Verily and forsooth, the yellowy sun drippeth down upon the meadhall like a cockatrice egg fresh cracked, as maid Marian McMcgillicutty Penrose-Smyth runs a fine mahogany comb through her wild chestnut tresses. With each tangle smoothed, her beauty beams radiant the the gilded sword of King Tiberius XII, as it was in the age of…” No. Just no. No one wants to read fantasy written like that. While many fantasy authors try to punch up their words into poetry, their prose often ends up purple as a fresh-punched bruise. But the authors on this list? Each one is a true wordsmith, able to hang with the best of the olden day bards. Here are 10 fantasy books with truly beautiful prose that reads like an epic poem.

The Song of Achilles

Madeline Miller spent over a decade writing The Song of Achilles – a fantasy romance retelling of Homer’s epic poem The Iliad – and it shows. Just as the title promises, the prose of this novel sings on the page. The poetry revolves around the tender love affair between the demigod Achilles and the mortal Patroclus, following their journey from childhood companions, to teenage lovers, to ride or die adult partners who meet a tragic end in the Trojan War. Yes, this novel is a downer, but a beautiful one – like watching a shot swan plummet out of the sky. You’ll ugly cry through the last fifty pages, and crack up again when you realize this novel’s words have – like the grapes that make the bittersweet wine of Dionysius – been pressed onto the inside of your heart. Yeah, that was a purple prose metaphor. Sue me.

In the world of online dating, it can be difficult to convert a possible match into an actual date. Just ask the man who swiped right 2 million times on Tinder just to get one measly date.

A woman says that a Hinge suitor got her attention in an extremely uncomfortable way. Her tale has thousands worried for her safety.

I’ve been married for a little over seven and a half years. When my wife and I discussed the various logistical things about anything legal, one thing she was adamant about was taking my last night. This was not something I care about at all; what’s in a name, and all of that. But her maiden name was hard for people to pronounce and she longed for something simple like “Anderson.” In our patriarchal society, it’s maybe the easiest way to get a simpler last name. Or, if you’re an actor like It’s Always Sunny star Rob McElhenney, you can just tell everyone your new name is “Rob Mac.”

On Twitter (I will never call it the other thing), McElhenney posted a minute-long video explaining that he wants everyone to just call him Rob Mac because nobody can pronounce his actual surname. (It’s MACKLE-henney, for anyone curious.) He explains, he’s wasted literal years of time correcting people and talking about pronunciation. He also says that, while he loves his family and their name, he points out their specific spelling was the work of an official at Ellis Island rather than any actual Irish heritage.

As Rob points out, most people call him Rob Mac anyway. His character on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is Mac. Mac is just his name! Okay? Okay. So don’t bother trying to pronounce McElhenney anymore. Part of me wonders if this all came from finding out even people in the UK and Ireland have trouble saying it. Must have been a big blow for someone who co-owns a Welsh football club. Welcome to Wrexham, indeed.

Kyle Anderson is the Senior Editor for Nerdist. He hosts the weekly pop culture deep-dive podcast Laser Focus. You can find his film and TV reviews here. Follow him on Letterboxd.

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