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https://madamenoire.com/1095842/a-black-man-gives-insight-into-dating-with-a-mental-illness/
“I am a project manager. I am a mentor. I am an entrepreneur. And as a person with a mental illness, I can say that I tend to live my life in duality. On one hand, I wake up, get dressed, go to work, mentor and am very sociable. But on the other hand, something happens to trigger an emotion and causes me to withdraw. Whether I am alone or in public, I am alone in my thoughts. And in those moments, all I want to do is stay isolated. Now, for those that don’t understand these feelings, one cannot explain why one feels bad, it’s just there; menial tasks become much harder and can be a mission for us.”
Dr. Whitley, Principal Investigator of the Social Psychiatry Research and Interest Group, and his graduate student, Marie Eve-Boucher, conducted a series of interviews with individuals with a range of mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia, major depression, and bipolar disorder. The purpose of their research was to learn more about the dating and romantic experiences of individuals living with mental illness.
The study revealed that only 15 percent of participants were currently involved in a romantic relationship. The rest almost unanimously stated that they strongly desired a satisfying and rewarding romantic relationship.
Will shared insight into the trials of living with a mental health diagnosis and maintaining his love life.
“The hardest and yet rewarding part of being in a mental illness is trying to maintain your own mental health while trying to be in a relationship. It can serve to be difficult because of several reasons. For me, what has made it difficult is trying to gauge how your partner will react when you 1) inform them you have a mental illness and 2) have a mood swing or a depressive bout. Not only is it difficult, you possess a fear of even sharing or being vulnerable BECAUSE of what you perceive to be their reaction based on the story in your head. You have the feeling that you already have to face others that don’t know you well and are misunderstood about mental illnesses and you don’t want to have to face that with someone that you are trying to build with. When I was trying to find a partner, I have tried being completely open about my mental illness. For most, that was where the conversation ended. For some, they were willing to deal with it, only to realize that they didn’t know what dealing with it meant, which caused the relationship to end or become toxic.”
What’s the biggest barrier to dating? The pervasive stigma around mental health in the black community. I have been working as a social worker for 7 years, and all of my clients diagnosed with a mental illness are overwhelmingly Black and Latino. Still, the shame of seeking out help and talking about our suffering as a community is still a struggle. I’ve done extensive work serving mentally ill adults in the NYC area, and the sentiment surrounding dating and relationships has been the same. Humans are meant to have a companion, regardless of their brain chemistry. Breaking down the stigma and creating more dialogue around mental health will help all of us as a community to support each other, and in some cases, find love.
Will discusses finding love and the benefits of having a supportive partner.
“Currently, I have been in my current relationship for over two years. I have learned to take the mistakes of my past and use them as a learning experience. But learning has been two-fold. Relating to someone you love who has a mental illness can be difficult and frustrating, but there are strategies you can use to improve your communication with them. There may be a lot you don’t know about how your lover sees things when they’re symptomatic. My girlfriend has learned, although not easy, what it means to deal with someone with a mental illness, and what steps to take so that it is a bearable experience. Most important, she has learned to love the whole me and vice versa. She has learned to love my flaws as I have learned to love hers but still help me see opportunities for improvement. She has taught me that a shared joy is a double joy and a shared sorrow is a half sorrow. When I hurt, she does and vice versa. Every diamond has imperfections and it takes a special person to see the beauty within it.”
Dr. Whitley remarks that “romance and dating are an integral part of our culture, as witnessed by the ever-expanding array of dating apps. But people with mental illness often report considerable discrimination in the dating market.”
Will offers some advice for those hesitant to date due to a mental health diagnosis.
“For those in relationships or seeking a relationship, I implore you to be vulnerable. I implore to seek therapy. It is okay to not be okay. Those that will stay, are worth staying with. Mental illnesses are just as real an illness as diabetes or heart disease. It must be treated with care, because there can be serious side effects. Depression and other mental illnesses don’t have a ‘look’. It isn’t always suicide notes, pills and therapy. Sometimes, it’s all smiles and fake laughter as a façade to hide the pain. Depression is like an onion. Allow yourself to have someone peel each layer away and you will learn a lot about yourself. Sometimes people can’t just pick themselves up — they need patience, communication, love and most of all understanding.”
“I am a project manager. I am a mentor. I am an entrepreneur. And as a person with a mental illness, I can say that I tend to live my life in duality. On one hand, I wake up, get dressed, go to work, mentor and am very sociable. But on the other hand, something happens to trigger an emotion and causes me to withdraw. Whether I am alone or in public, I am alone in my thoughts. And in those moments, all I want to do is stay isolated. Now, for those that don’t understand these feelings, one cannot explain why one feels bad, it’s just there; menial tasks become much harder and can be a mission for us.”
Dr. Whitley, Principal Investigator of the Social Psychiatry Research and Interest Group, and his graduate student, Marie Eve-Boucher, conducted a series of interviews with individuals with a range of mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia, major depression, and bipolar disorder. The purpose of their research was to learn more about the dating and romantic experiences of individuals living with mental illness.
The study revealed that only 15 percent of participants were currently involved in a romantic relationship. The rest almost unanimously stated that they strongly desired a satisfying and rewarding romantic relationship.
Will shared insight into the trials of living with a mental health diagnosis and maintaining his love life.
“The hardest and yet rewarding part of being in a mental illness is trying to maintain your own mental health while trying to be in a relationship. It can serve to be difficult because of several reasons. For me, what has made it difficult is trying to gauge how your partner will react when you 1) inform them you have a mental illness and 2) have a mood swing or a depressive bout. Not only is it difficult, you possess a fear of even sharing or being vulnerable BECAUSE of what you perceive to be their reaction based on the story in your head. You have the feeling that you already have to face others that don’t know you well and are misunderstood about mental illnesses and you don’t want to have to face that with someone that you are trying to build with. When I was trying to find a partner, I have tried being completely open about my mental illness. For most, that was where the conversation ended. For some, they were willing to deal with it, only to realize that they didn’t know what dealing with it meant, which caused the relationship to end or become toxic.”
What’s the biggest barrier to dating? The pervasive stigma around mental health in the black community. I have been working as a social worker for 7 years, and all of my clients diagnosed with a mental illness are overwhelmingly Black and Latino. Still, the shame of seeking out help and talking about our suffering as a community is still a struggle. I’ve done extensive work serving mentally ill adults in the NYC area, and the sentiment surrounding dating and relationships has been the same. Humans are meant to have a companion, regardless of their brain chemistry. Breaking down the stigma and creating more dialogue around mental health will help all of us as a community to support each other, and in some cases, find love.
Will discusses finding love and the benefits of having a supportive partner.
“Currently, I have been in my current relationship for over two years. I have learned to take the mistakes of my past and use them as a learning experience. But learning has been two-fold. Relating to someone you love who has a mental illness can be difficult and frustrating, but there are strategies you can use to improve your communication with them. There may be a lot you don’t know about how your lover sees things when they’re symptomatic. My girlfriend has learned, although not easy, what it means to deal with someone with a mental illness, and what steps to take so that it is a bearable experience. Most important, she has learned to love the whole me and vice versa. She has learned to love my flaws as I have learned to love hers but still help me see opportunities for improvement. She has taught me that a shared joy is a double joy and a shared sorrow is a half sorrow. When I hurt, she does and vice versa. Every diamond has imperfections and it takes a special person to see the beauty within it.”
Dr. Whitley remarks that “romance and dating are an integral part of our culture, as witnessed by the ever-expanding array of dating apps. But people with mental illness often report considerable discrimination in the dating market.”
Will offers some advice for those hesitant to date due to a mental health diagnosis.
“For those in relationships or seeking a relationship, I implore you to be vulnerable. I implore to seek therapy. It is okay to not be okay. Those that will stay, are worth staying with. Mental illnesses are just as real an illness as diabetes or heart disease. It must be treated with care, because there can be serious side effects. Depression and other mental illnesses don’t have a ‘look’. It isn’t always suicide notes, pills and therapy. Sometimes, it’s all smiles and fake laughter as a façade to hide the pain. Depression is like an onion. Allow yourself to have someone peel each layer away and you will learn a lot about yourself. Sometimes people can’t just pick themselves up — they need patience, communication, love and most of all understanding.”
Source: The Washington Post / Getty
On Monday with the release of his latest Netflix special, Sticks & Stones, comedian Dave Chappelle used the opportunity to make derogatory, irresponsible statements about survivors of sexual assault.
He began his tirade with a soliloquy on “cancel culture” and how he feels it’s no longer safe to be politically incorrect especially for celebrities, an argument made so many times by those who take delight in verbally assaulting the most vulnerable populations.
“This is the worst time ever to be a celebrity,” Chappelle argues. “You’re gonna be finished. Everyone’s doomed. Michael Jackson has been dead for 10 years, and this n—a has two new cases.”
The mention of Jackson’s name leads him to HBO’s Leaving Neverland, the controversial 2019 documentary which recants the accusations of two men, Wade Robson and James Safechuck, who claim they were sexually molested by the singer as children.
During the special Chappelle also claimed that he revels in his reputation as a “victim blamer,” touting that he resorts to asking questions regarding the victim’s whereabouts, like “well what were those kids wearing at the time,” when it came to Jackson’s accusations.
“I don’t think he did it, but you know what? Even if he did do it … you know what I mean?” he continued. “I mean, it’s Michael Jackson. I know more than half the people in this room have been molested in their lives, but it wasn’t no g——n Michael Jackson, was it? This kid got his d–k sucked by the King of Pop. All we get is awkward Thanksgivings for the rest of our lives.”
Chappelle then argued that Macaulay Culkin’s adjacency to the King of Pop should have been used as a barometer of Jackson’s guilt.
Chappelle also responded to reports from earlier in the year when it was revealed that he declined to interview with the producers of Surviving R. Kelly. He said he said no to producers because he didn’t know R. Kelly “at all.”
“Surviving R. Kelly” producer and cultural critic dream hampton responded to Chappelle’s assertion that he didn’t sit down for an interview because he didn’t personally know the singer. hampton also points out that Chappelle’s point was unrelated to the reasoning on why he was asked to participate.
Chappelle also doubled down on previous comments regarding the #MeToo movement and reiterated that he believes survivors who are speaking out about sexual assault and named their abusers are going about it the wrong way. He even went so far as to defend his friend, comedian Louis C.K. who faced several accusations.
“Louis C.K. was a very good friend of mine before he died in that terrible masturbation accident,” he began. “He didn’t do anything you can call the police for. I dare you to try….They ruined this ni–a’s life, and now he’s coming back playing comedy clubs and they’re acting like if he’s able to do that that’s going to hurt women. What the f–k is your agenda, ladies?”
Both Safechuck and Robson have since responded to Chappelle’s statements in an interview with TMZ.
“I’m heartbroken for all those children who look to see how they will be received when they finally find the courage to speak out about their sexual abuse,” Safechuck said. “I just want to reach out to other survivors and let them know that we can’t let this type of behavior silence us. Together we are strong.”
“He can say whatever he wants,” said Robson. “It reveals him, not us.”
Years ago Chappelle’s takes on the culture actually made headwaves into the common collective, challenging us to laugh at our misunderstandings as a means to inform and correct. However, his latest comments on sexual assault survivors are violent, ill-informed and rooted in a strange desire to push back against the recent string of accusations made against prominent Black male celebrities.
And as hampton points out in a later tweet referring to Chappelle, the medium of comedy works as a powerful change agent when used effectively.
Even more importantly, those who refuse to believe sexual assault survivors, specifically Black women survivors, are also aligned with a dark legacy left by slavery and the intended violence on Black bodies spurred by white supremacy.