http://blacknerdproblems.com/counterpart-recap-the-crossing/

Season: 1 / Episode: 1 / Starz

***Spoilers Be Calling from The Other Side Like Adele***

Off rip, the sky is falling, b. Or rather, that was sky, that was glass followed by a body. Fireworks going off, but also gunshots so that shit sounds like a Harmonix rhythm game or some shit. French SWAT all up in the highrise and this shit look like a bloodbath. Ayebody dead, fam. Ayebody except one woman curled up in the shower, Leaving Las Vegas-style. Police like, we taking her to the station cuz she might have seen some shit. They find a bag from “the other side” full of visas, money and shit, but the killer they are pursuing is ghost and left them nothing but video game violence to clean up.

Apparently some deal was going down and dude is on the phone talking about the police are there. Oh. So… these muthafuckas ain’t exactly on the up and up. Well, don’t matter now cuz dude that was apprehending the woman, got his fuckin’ throat slit for his trouble. Dude on the phone turn around like, “Oh, muthafucka”. She timed that gunshot with the fireworks to get that 5 star rating on the solo and put dude down. Wig off. Picks up bag. And we outchea.

Howard playing some dude in Go, teaching him the lessons of life or some shit. He goes to work and you can’t bring shit up in here. Leave your phone at the door. Jewelry, watch, all that shit in the locker. Get fitted for your gray ass suit and red tie. This for real seem like some 1960s Gattica shit. Howard sit down in a room with some glass and an equally boring looking muthafucka on the other side. They share some code back and forth on some super spy shit. But like… the part of the spy shit they usually leave out of cool movies.

Howard got a meeting upstairs with folks who seemingly live much more interesting lives because they are allowed to make noise and shit. Howard trying to get promoted to strategy. Yeah… no. Dude’s resume is spotless, but ain’t nobody trying to give him that level up. Some dude half his age is like, yeah, if it was gonna happen, it would’ve happened by now.

Howard up in the hospital visiting his wife. Who… ain’t breathing on her own. Dude comes in, give Howard some paperwork about taking ol girl home. Basically, for Howard, things are as bad as they have ever been.

Howard tries to go to work the next day and got that Heisman at the gate. Shit is reading all red on the scanner, so he gotta get escorted to the back where it looks like they disappear muthafuckas. Dude from “Housekeeping” start to question him until the millennial comes in again to brief him. Apparently some dude from “the other side” will only speak to Howard with some valuable intel.

And the dude from the other side is… Howard. Who is immediately disappointed in Howard. He like, oh no, don’t tell me I’m a square in this world? What are you, the fuckin’ janitor? They got you in the mailroom reading stamps? Housekeeping saying Howard in Black ain’t worth the time, but Howard in Black is like, nah, you better listen up. Dudes start dying if you don’t take this seriously. And also, get Howard up to speed. Get that man a drink, a lap dance, something. Cuz this interface accountant shit ain’t working.

So, of course Howard is freaking the fuck out. New Millenium runs it down to him about this portal to the other side that opened during the cold war. Before he shoves off, Housekeeping talkin’ about Emily Silk is on the kill list. Emily being Howard’s wife. But yeah… just go back to your job, Howard, we got this.

What?!?!

Up in the club, Howard’s coworker just trying to get some R&R in fam. Just trying to get his flirt on. Dude lures him away to a back room and locks him out so that our assassin can merk him in cold blood and escape out the back. So hopefully more POC are involved cuz the only one we’ve met so far got his brains making a Jackson Pollock on the wall behind him.

Howard in Black BAAACK. Dude crossing back over, making his way through inter-dimensional customs. Howard hosting the tea party with HIB, Peter the Millenial, and Housekeeping. Howard serving crumpets and shit while the other three talkin’ about politics and murder.

Baldwin is the assassin that has been getting her murder off on the 616. They think that she is going to go after Emily, Howard’s wife (cuz HIB’s Emily died of cancer years ago). So HIB gonna go in Howard’s place at the hospital.

Of course, intelligence is like, yeah, after HIB murders Baldwin, we murder HIB, [wipes hands clean emoji].

A tale of two Howards up in the apartment before showtime and this shit is awkward. Howard wants to know why they are so different and HIB wants to know why Howard been a punk all his life. They start comparing notes about their Emily’s. In the Ultimate Universe, they’ve been married for 28 years. HIB is like, sheeit, we eloped fam. Also, probably not 28 years. Shit got mad sad for a second. Not gonna lie.

They on the lookout for Baldwin, but it ain’t Baldwin that shows up. It’s Eric, Emily’s brother, trying to strong-arm Howard into signing the paperwork to release Emily. But yo, Eric got the wrong muthafuckin’ Howard today. Howard calls Eric’s bluff and gets all up in his personal space. Eric got to be like, “who this dude think he is?” Other Howard muthafucka, that’s who.

In the middle of making Eric shit himself, HIB gets the call that Baldwin might be on her way up. HIB pulls the gauge and is like, yo, you a prick, but I’m trying to save your life here so sit down and shut the fuck up.

Baldwin walking into the trap but notices that the flowers ain’t been refreshed at the nurses station (Howard forgot to mention that detail in the routine). So now this shit is a stand-off cuz Baldwin knows the jig is up.

Baldwin starts to run and bullets start flying. A couple nurses might have been killed in the filming of this scene. Probably was working a double, too. So now it’s a chase and everybody hunting Baldwin in this hospital. Baldwin getting cornered and is like fuck this and jumps out a second story window. Yo, she straight up Agent 47 in this muthafucka, man. She hits the ground, double taps a couple of guards and keeps it fuckin’ moving. She think she in the clear until she sees Howard handcuffed (lol, for his protection) in the vehicle. She bout to send Howard to the next world before HIB deliver that shot and puts one through her cheek. She take off cuz of course, HIB is out of bullets.

Howard rushes up to make sure his wife is ok. Ya know, still in a coma. Eric is all the way freaked out. Howard tells him to get on a plane and Eric is like, shit, I was trying to leave an hour ago, bruh.

They drop HIB off at customs and he says they gonna try again at some point, so he’ll be back. Howard tells St. Peter that he wants the promotion he should’ve gotten because 1) There’s a vacancy and & 2) They really need him so there really ain’t another choice.

HIB over in the Ultimate Universe going to a bar while Howard drinking at home alone. But of course HIB is there to meet someone, namely Ultimate Emily. Yeah, so that cancer shit (at least dying from cancer) was a lie. Though it does seem that he messed something up cuz Ultimate Emily got a lightweight cold touch. So yeah, seems like there’s a lot of shit we don’t know yet.

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