2017

“Books are the best weapon in the world.” The Tenth Doctor understood the power of reading—a virtue passed on through the regenerations to the latest Time Lord Lady. BBC Books and Penguin Random […]

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It’s almost time. We are about to see the war that we have been so patiently waiting for. The season 8 trailer for The Walking Dead promises us death, zombies, strategy, and more than a little shit talking. If I had to sum it up in a sentence, it would just be every character saying this in unison to each other

But I don’t have to sum it up…

So Father Gabriel is captured and every other beleaguered zombie apocalypse survivor is in these blood-covered streets doing their Braveheart impersonation.

We got Rick riling up the troops on some “We already won. We showed up ready to fight. Who gone check us?” Maggie talking about “I been fighting since season 2, you think I’m ‘bout to punk out now.” Even Morgan is out here like “I don’t die.” That’s it. Dud didn’t even talk no shit, just a simple, “Nah, son, you got it wrong if you think I’m dying.” King Ezekiel got blood on his face, locs swaying in the wind, and (fake) accent leading folk and tigers into battle? Alright, AMC, you got me interested again.

I mean Carol is back in the mix and really that’s all it takes for me to start rooting for this season’s greatness. But we also have Tara, Rosita, and Michonne showing up in the thick of things, guns and katanas drawn and ready. This is an all hands on deck brawl. And that’s perfect, because we’ve been waiting for the inevitable collision of these two forces which is more a meeting of horrible and sadist vs. struggling to get by more than it is a meeting of good and evil.

The personal highlights from the trailer (besides Carol) were Dwight, who we saw for just a hot second as he opened a clandestine note, so we still can’t be sure who he’s fighting for, Darryl riding across the country side blowing shit up from the comfort of his motorcycle, and Carl out here looking like a casting call for Pantene. I also noticed that Eugene was largely missing from the trailer. Did Negan figure out that he gave Sasha the suicide pills? Hmmmm.

But we gotta talk about the ending. Why do they have Rick out here looking like the ghost of Apocalypse’s past?

Why did he look like Obama on the last day of his second term: visibly aged, ready for it to be over, but knowing that shit is about to get so much worse than anyone imagined.

So who gonna make it season 9? Hell, who gonna make it to the midseason finale? How much of this trailer is misdirection? [shrugs] No clue, but I’m excited to find out.

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I think before we get into any of this I should say I have no intention or desire to live in any post-apocalyptic world. White folks are bat shit crazy now and we technically live in a civilized society in one of the most powerful and progressive nations in the world. I also think white folks don’t know what most of those words mean but love to use em, but that’s a story for another platform.

In my ideal scenario, I break into some celebrity’s house and off myself while floating in their pool in a fur of an animal I can’t spell. BUT, if I was required to go all Woody Harrelson on a motherfucking undead ass motherfucka with my hand picked team of reality TV show stars (because apparently I was set up to be a Wayans brothers film without the racism), these are the people I would choose.

Team Lead/Mastermind: Bear “Motherfucking” Grylls from Man vs. Wild

Like, if there was a draft pick for survival teams and anyone passed up Bear, they’d deserve to be eaten while taking a dump in a Marathon bathroom. Hell yeah I’ll take the white man that maroons himself for fun in dangerous places for my entertainment and education.

Bear gone have us set up with fire, clean water (or distilled piss) and shelter before I even finish looting all the stores that wouldn’t let my Black ass in a few weeks prior. I don’t care what this white man says short of calling me a n**** or Nubian princess, I am fucking doing it. I hate when you’re watching a movie and the soon to be dead person starts questioning the expert. I write my feelings for a living, so when he says jump, Imma jump and not get bit. But also, I grew up poor so I’ll trip his ass with the swiftness if it ever came down to me and him and never, ever look back. His official title would be Do Whatever the White Man says.

Cook: Anthony Bourdain from No Reservations and Parts Unknown

Bear will be able to identify all the shits that’s not going to make me poop myself or die and Bourdain’s ass has made a career eating the delicacies and terrors of the globe… and I’m a fattie who would rather not eat surprise “what’s in this can I scavenged, damn it, it’s beans again” every night. That’s just not the move.

Nature got plenty of gifts, I just don’t know what to do with them. There are plenty more reality TV chefs I’d rather hang with but Bourdain intentionally travels the globe eating lesser known foods and we never know where our mission will take us. He also seems the least high maintenance, like if I give him a hunting knife, a camp stove, and a squirrel, he’ll make me a lovely perfectly seasoned amuse bouche to devour in between shooting shit and running for my life. His official title would be Shut Up & Eat

Weapons Expert: Paige Wyatt from American Guns

Paige looks like she’ll call me girlfriend and try and ask me to teach her how to twerk, all of which will get her cussed out and educated.

But none of that matters because my new white friend also has been shooting shit since her Barbie days. As far as I can tell from the extensive research I’ve done via Hollywood, you need a gunslinger. Her official title would be Shoot Them Motherfuckas Dead.

Moral Support: Snoop from Martha and Snoop’s Potluck Dinner

Honestly, I just need a Black friend to smoke with and talk about how crazy these white folks is. I just need someone by my side who is going to be able to get all my Black references.

Like when I say that zombie over there looks like Felicia, Imma need someone to know Felicia was a crackhead because Imma “bye Felicia” every zombie I take out. But mostly having Snoop call me Nephew is on my bucket list and if there are zombies I’m probably not going to last long because my idea of cardio is twerking to Rihanna (Dear Sweet Black Baby Jesus get Rihanna on a reality TV show so I can draft her). Aaaaaaaand Snoop Might come with a pairing of Martha Stewart. His official title would be Uncle Snoop.

Entertainment:Tiffany New York Pollard from Flavor of Love and I Love New York

Because I am a messy bitch that lives for drama and every survival group needs a loveable (see crazy as fuck) useless friend we all have to keep saving.

Plus I am sure I can outrun her chain smoking binge drinking ass when it comes down to it… aaaaand most importantly she will always be ready to put the white folks in check with no hesitation. Her official title would be HBIC though she’d be in charge of absolutely nothing because I want to live.

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You’ve seen you could collect some of the more famous rides out there as well? We’re talking the Crystal Ship from Breaking Bad, and even Wonder Woman’s invisible jet! These transports are some […]

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