https://blackgirlnerds.com/bgns-picks-for-the-worst-films-of-2023/

There’s always some bad apples in a bunch, and this year there are some movies that were pretty awful. While we appreciate the time and effort it takes to craft and make a film production, sadly these films creatively just didn’t hit the mark. From big budget studio films to independent flicks, our select group of esteemed film critics provides a short list of movies that were pretty bad this year. 

Jamie Broadnax’s Worst of 2023

Five Nights at Freddy’s 

Sorry FNAF fans, but I had high hopes and expectations for this film since it’s inspired by the popular video game of the same name. Based on a game known for its horror and jump scares, the film completely erased the components of what made it appealing to gamers when adapting it for the big screen. Rather than focusing on the animatronic killers, the plot centered on its protagonist Mike (Josh Hutcherson) and his missing brother, which played out more like a melodrama than an actual horror flick.

The build up to ultimately finding out who the villain is felt rushed, and the pacing was all over the place. This movie had so much potential. But my opinion doesn’t matter here because it made a ton of money at the box office, in spite of it being released on streaming the same day. It’s likely there will be a sequel or maybe even a prequel in the works due to its financial success.

The Flash

Where do I begin? The Flash was in development hell for years and went through a bunch of directors before it fell into Andrés Muschietti’s hands. The writing was on the wall with this one. 

Let’s start with the fact that this movie should have never been released. With bad PR swirling around its lead actor Ezra Miller and his many run-ins with law enforcement, the film already had some negative publicity around it. 

Aside from that, some of the worst CGI I’ve ever seen is in this movie. And while the film’s director Andrés Muschietti had an excuse for this, it still doesn’t make sense that a film with a $300 million dollar budget has CGI that is comparable to a CW TV show.

There’s also so many plot holes in The Flash that I lost count. What is the motive for what happened to Barry’s mom? What purpose did Batman serve in this story? Why was Iris West even in this movie? She’s barely there and it’s pretty clear a lot of her narrative ended up on the cutting room floor. Unlike FNAF, this movie bombed and it bombed hard. 

Cassondra Feltus’ Worst of 2023

The Exorcist: Believer

I went in with low expectations so I wasn’t terribly disappointed. It’s a shame that it didn’t work because there are some impressive performances, particularly the two leading ladies who clearly gave it their all. It’s a serviceable horror film but as a legacy sequel, it just doesn’t hold up. 

Wayne Broadway’s Worst of 2023

Fast X 

Ugh. If I could just write “ugh” and present that as my review, I would. But I think I’d get in trouble with my boss, so let’s quickly go through why this “movie” is the worst of 2023. 

1. It’s not a full film.
2. It’s vaguely homophobic
3. Do I really need a third reason? This movie is clearly terrible.

As far as Point 1 is concerned, this movie fails to be a movie in any meaningful sense by ending midway. It’s not even a matter of not liking cliffhangers. Across the Spider-Verse had a cliffhanger ending, and I loved it because that movie also resolved most of its own internal arcs. Despite it being part of a larger series, it still understood that it had to tell a complete story.

What Fast X does, on the other hand, is waste precious hours of audiences’ lives without providing any sort of resolution to walk away with. This movie is a book that ends mid-sentence in the second act and resents you for expecting more. “We gave you a car race, didn’t we?” it asks. “You didn’t think the eight-year-old boy blowing people up with a missile was cool?!” it says, shocked at our ingratitude. This non-film is idiotic dreck that would hardly even merit discussion, but then it went and decided to make its villain queer-coded like it’s still 1992, so it was impossible not to aim my contempt at it. 

Look, like what you like. The thing (I refuse to say “movie”) made nearly three-quarters of a billion dollars worldwide, so what do I know? Well, that question wasn’t rhetorical, because what I know is that this movie was perhaps the worst thing I had the displeasure of watching either this year or several others.

The Equalizer 3

I admit that I might regret putting this movie here, because, in truth, there certainly were worse 2023 films. The Meg 2 probably stunk (I didn’t watch it because I have a finite amount of time on this earth, and I refuse to spend it that annoyed). Saw X was good only in the sense that it wasn’t as bad as other Saw films. Beau Is Afraid might have made a better entry if only because its polarizing nature would have sparked discussion from anyone happy or upset with my choice to include it.

But The Equalizer 3 makes this list because it’s symbolic of wasted talent. How do you put Antoine Fuqua, Denzel Washington, and Dakota Fanning together and still leave me feeling apathetic? How do you do this especially after you show the promise of what the movie could have been based on its opening five minutes?

What could have been this year’s Black-led response to the John Wick franchise instead fizzles out to be a run-of-the-mill action film that sees Denzel Washington seem almost bored with the role. Maybe it’s best that this was likely his final outing as Robert McCall. Leave the work of making lackluster Bourne ripoffs to Fanning, another artist that could be off making something that mattered for longer than it took to sit down and watch the movie. “Worst” might be too harsh, but no one gave me the option for “Most Depressingly Below-Average Use of Otherwise Great Actors” list, so this will have to suffice.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania 

Okay, Scorsese might have been onto something. For every Across the Spider-Verse that makes it easy to scoff at old-head talk of “back in my day we had real films,” there’s a Quantumania that ruins that rebuttal completely. In fact, there are way more Quantumania–type films by ratio than there are works of art like Across the Spider-Verse. This matters specifically because this movie is everything you hoped the MCU would not become: completely without a coherent purpose.

Is it setting up Kang? Because if so, this Big Bad got beat up by Ant-Man of all people, so imagine how he’d fare against someone like Captain Marvel in the inevitable team-up film. Is it to establish the rules of how time travel works in the Quantum Realm and the MCU in general? Because, if so, I’m pretty sure Season 2 of Loki has different rules entirely. Is it to get us excited about the rest of Marvel’s Phase 5 and the upcoming Phase 6? Because, if recent box office receipts are any indication, no one is excited about much of anything to do with the MCU anymore.

Since every franchise everywhere is all at once obsessed with multiverses, I am envisioning one right now. In this one, the MCU films ended with that wonderful scene of Steve and Peggy dancing, their love realized and the important parts of the story told. Sure, there would be some loose ends, but those could be tied up in one or two limited series that would work to tell that story rather than simply sell merch or build excitement for a new themed addition to Disneyland. I would like this universe, and the only multi-verse project I’d like to see at this point is one about getting there.

The rest of it? Meh. If this review doesn’t seem specific enough to Quantumania, that’s because this film’s issues are mirrored across much of what’s problematic in the MCU now. If you liked Quantumania, fine. Pretend I put The Marvels or any one of the lackluster miniseries that came and went instead. It’s honestly all the dreary same, or, as Scorsese put it, all “market-researched, audience-tested, vetted, modified, revetted and remodified until they’re ready for consumption.”

Jeanine T. Abraham’s Worst of 2023

Best. Christmas. Ever!

Best. Christmas. Ever! is the perfect example of why many romantic comedy films get on my last nerves. Charlotte (Heather Graham, Boogie Nights) is a driven wife and mother of two whose life is less than perfect. Her husband, Rob (Jason Biggs, American Pie), has a business that isn’t going well. Every Christmas, Charlotte receives family newsletters from Rob’s ex-girlfriend from college, Jackie (Brandy Norwood, Moesha) who lives a perfect life in a mini-mansion with her incredibly hot husband Valentino (Matt Cedeno, Devious Maids), and their genius daughter Beatrix (Madison Skye Validum, Dashing Through the Snow). Charlotte’s life is a mess, hence, she’s jealous of Jackie and her perfect family. Charlotte, her husband, and her kids inadvertently end up at Jackie’s house on Christmas Eve, and the hijinks begin.  

This movie is predictable; the writing is abysmal; most of the actors seem like they are on autopilot; the kids are annoying; Brandy looks like she’s reading all of her lines off of a teleprompter; and Heather Graham looks like she’s a deer caught in headlights throughout most of the film. This movie could have been fun if the writers of this screenplay weren’t stuck in 1997. While I was watching this film, I was rewriting it in my mind, casting Charlotte as a “Christmas Karen” showing up at Brandy’s house with all of her envy and somehow making a journey of discovery to be less of a “Karen.” 

But no, this film places Black, white ,and Brown actors into roles that ignore cultural identity and the authentic conflicts that happen when Americans of different skin colors are in friendships with one another. Brandy is a pop star; her singing talent is wasted in this film. Why not use more of Brandy singing? Her song at the end was great.

The worst part of this film was that I didn’t like or care about anyone in this film. Even the kids. That’s not good for a feel-good Christmas film. At the end of the day, a holiday film should leave the audience feeling hopeful about the holidays; I just wanted to throw my Christmas stocking at the screen.

Best. Christmas. Ever! Streaming on Netflix.

Killers of the Flower Moon

Goodfellas is one of my favorite movies because Martin Scorsese writes what he knows and creates these layered, complex characters. We can feel the why behind the actions of almost everyone we see on screen because Scorsese comes from a place of human connection. He knows these wise guys and can humanize men who do the most deplorable things for money and power.

In Killers of the Flower Moon, Martin Scorsese gets the era’s costumes, set design, props, accents, and tone spot on, but as he takes on the vile nature of whiteness, he paints with a crayon. 

The film is about white men murdering many people in the wealthy Osage Nation for the mineral rights to their oil-rich land. The movie clearly shows that even though the Nation amassed great wealth, they had no power. The Indigenous people in this film are one-dimensional, defined only by their wealth and pain. We see all of the Osage people suffering at the hands of white men, but we don’t ever get to see the why behind all that pain. Scorsese scratches the surface of white dominance with Ernest (Leonardo DiCaprio, Titanic), who says the lines, “I love money,” at several key moments in the film. We see how conniving and precise his uncle William Hale (Robert De Niro, Taxi Driver) is as he blatantly organizes the murders of prominent Osage men, then creates the worst interracial matchmaking service ever, where the women of color end up dead.  

The film is over three hours long, and for all of that fine acting, I still don’t know for sure why Mollie (Lily Gladstone, Reservation Dogs) and all of those Osage women married those white men even though they knew the white men were marrying them for their money. Mollie has a few lines where she ruminates about Ernest pursuing her only because she’s rich.

There are some scenes of intimacy; is Scorsese saying these women married these white men because of the sex? It’s not clear. The audience never gets a sense of the Osage men beyond the broad stereotypes that filmmakers had made about Native Americans for the past one hundred years. We know the Osage men are being killed. Still, we don’t see any loving relationships between Osage men and women that humanize the plight of the Osage beyond being victimized and brutally killed onscreen.

The movie was way too long. I’m glad I watched Killers of the Flower Moon at home on pay-per-stream because I kept falling asleep and had to rewind and rewatch. It ended up taking me several hours to complete this film. I left this movie not knowing much about the Osage people other than how white men victimized them.

This wasn’t a story meant for me. This kind of trauma porn was hard on my nervous system. I hated seeing Brown people destroyed yet again. It was a story by a white man for white people to show white folks how greedy their ancestors were whilst convincing themselves they aren’t as evil as their forefathers were.

Is this film worth watching? Sure. If you have the bandwidth, I encourage you to do so. There’s a ton of great acting and the technical filmmaking aspects are incredible. But I made this one of the worst films I saw this year because Martin Scorsese could have done this story better. For all of his good intentions, he didn’t write this script with a Native American screenwriter, who could have added more texture and layers to the Native characters, the actors brought to life so brilliantly. Couldn’t his team have reached out to the writer’s room of FX’s Reservation Dogs for writers? They got some actors from that show. Speaking of television, TV shows like Blue Eye Samurai on Netflix and The Cure on Prime Video are telling stories about white dominance with authenticity and complexity while humanizing everyone on screen. So, yes, it is possible to do so. 

Scorsese missed a huge opportunity to tell this American story with a level of sophistication that could have made this a truly incredible film instead of just virtue signaling.

Killers of the Flower Moon is now available on pay-per-streaming on AppleTV+.

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