deerstalker

We have few enough sources of hilarity these days, which is one reason why the new Twitter account Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) has caught on like wildfire in the dinosaur-infested underbrush. The account, which has about 230 tweets at the time of writing, has racked up more than 130,000 followers with its tongue-in-cheek “updates” from the staff of the world’s worst idea for a theme park.

Per its bio, the parody account is run by 12 people—writers, comedians, writers who are also comedians, comedians who are also writers, and so on and so forth. As such it’s impossible to tell who is responsible for each tweet, so let’s assume they’re emerging fully formed from this hivemind collective. “Updates” writer PJ Evans also created the hilarious @Disneyland2go account, which posts irreverent, often bitingly sarcastic “insider” tweets about the Disney park.

This is the kind of criticism Disney deserves right now:

everything is looking good for our reopening except for the ongoing pandemic

— Disneyland (@Disneyland2go) July 8, 2020

But we’re here for Jurassic Park, which is a good deal more fun than the actual horrors happening as Disney reopens despite record-breaking numbers of COVID-19 cases. Shall we visit that faraway island?

but yeah like eighteen to nineteen dinosaurs are currently loose

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 13, 2020

There are so many great tweets in this account’s early days that it’s hard to feature only a few, but here are some favorites:

make sure to grab a poncho when you arrive in case someone in your group is ripped open

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 11, 2020

We are cleaning out our lost and found bin. Does this tee shirt belong to you? Claim it at our visitor center pic.twitter.com/BGkFxFQ0HE

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 11, 2020

the brontosaurus rides have been a big hit but everyone who has tried to slide down their backs and tail like fred flintstone when he gets off work has gotten severely injured so please don’t try

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 11, 2020

accidentally made an oval-shaped dinosaur with no limbs or eyes

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 10, 2020

We have decided to cancel today’s dinosaur talent show after every single dinosaur wrote down “unthinkable chaos” as their talent

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 10, 2020

the triceratops got killed so we have a temporary st. bernard

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 10, 2020

raft and dinosaur washed up on the other side of the island

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 9, 2020

Hi thid is velocrsptpr. I lenaring ti tipe Nd spell

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 9, 2020

If you are being eaten, please do not scream. You could potentially be spreading covid-19. Keeping visitors safe is our number 1 priority

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 9, 2020

the little dinosaur with the william shakespeare collar that spits poison just spit on me which im so grossed out about. i hate spit

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 8, 2020

we gave meat to the herbivores. just to sort of see if they were lying

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 8, 2020

we have developed a velociraptor that smokes cigarettes

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 7, 2020

many guests are asking if dinosaurs are “different from dragons”. we hear you and we are looking into it

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 6, 2020

Give @JurassicPark2go a follow for even more dino vs. guest shenanigans and be sure to check out the team behind the T. rex:

@pjayevans, @NotJosephGarcia, @rajat_suresh, @Colinoscopy, @totallymorgan, @julieabridged, @astonoha, @quakerraina, @carmchristopher, @jayweingarten, @dlicj, and @sarahsquirm

(images: Universal Studios)

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—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—

It’s a rare day when we can celebrate the birth of not one, but TWO legendary starship captains, but apparently Cancers make great space pilots, or at least, great actors, as today is Harrison Ford’s 78th birthday and Sir. Patrick Stewart’s 80th.

Ford and Stewart and sort of like two sides of the same coin. One is the embodiment of American masculinity in the best way possible, while still channeling intellect, humor, and verve, while the other is the ultimate British gentleman, a Shakespearian force of pure dignity that none the less can kick some ass and give a great hug. Both are iconic.

It’s somewhat fitting that these amazing guys share a birthday. Though their careers have taken different trajectories, they’ve both embodied multiple iconic characters in genre, and continued to act and be generally awesome for decades. Ford isn’t just Han Solo, he’s Indiana Jones. Stewart isn’t just Picard, he’s Professor X. And they’re also both so much more. And we love them.

Both of these men have shaped our pop cultural lives for decades and deserve to be celebrated as much as possible. We can’t throw a party (though I will be eating cake) but we can share some Twitter love.

I notice Harrison Ford is trending, which is all the excuse I need to remind the world of the time he dressed up as a booze-carrying nun for Halloween.
Happy 78th birthday, Mr Ford!#HarrisonFord pic.twitter.com/ixlMJaHrkr

— Mark Rees (@reviewwales) July 13, 2020

Happy birthday to #HarrisonFord. I’ll always be there to pick up your jacket for you buddy! Rawrrgh! pic.twitter.com/ber1irxALV

— Joonas Suotamo (@JoonasSuotamo) July 13, 2020

SHOUT OUT to a certain friend for no particular reason other than being the best Harrison Ford he could possibly be. 🎂 pic.twitter.com/qQ5XAZskl4

— Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) July 13, 2020

Oh to have been a fly on this wall …

Happy 80th Birthday to Sir #PatrickStewart and Happy 78th Birthday to #HarrisonFord. Here is the only picture I could find online of the two of them together. pic.twitter.com/a1TcoFdpOn

— Daniel A. Schneider (@daniel_ds) July 13, 2020

Happy 80th Birthday to Sir #PatrickStewart and Happy 78th Birthday to #HarrisonFord. Here is the only picture I could find online of the two of them together. pic.twitter.com/a1TcoFdpOn

— Daniel A. Schneider (@daniel_ds) July 13, 2020

And for Sir Patrick, what better tribute than some sonnets?

⁦@SirPatStew⁩ ⁦⁦@CBSAllAccess⁩ Happy 80th Birthday! Here is my sonnet to YOU about beautiful friendships. love you🎂🎂🎂❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ pic.twitter.com/vtvI6qQLCt

— Gates McFadden (@gates_mcfadden) July 13, 2020

Sunny and my team took over for my birthday, and arranged this gift for today’s reading: Sonnet 81 by @IanMcKellen. Thank you, dear Ian. #ASonnetADay pic.twitter.com/VKWTEoLkXb

— Patrick Stewart (@SirPatStew) July 13, 2020

(Images: Disney/CBS)

Here are a few other party favors:

• Timothy Omundson talked about how his real-life stroke was worked into the story of Psych 2: Lassie Come Home. (via TVLine)
• Being at home all the time IS making your dogs more clingy … and more anxious when you leave. (via Bloomberg)
• Okay but … can you actually play Nintendo on this NES made from Legos? (via Polygon)

• Introducing the First Black Woman-Owned Skateboard Company @propergnar https://t.co/obDqM5i94q

  — FORM A WALL (@_shireenahmed_) July 13, 2020

• Looks like Tenet won’t be out in August either … sigh. (via Deadline)
• A Clone Wars spin-off you say?! (via EW)
• And finally, take some time to cool off today:
  

  We don’t deserve them.

  Dogs, bruh…pic.twitter.com/HMdDZdvMlo

  — Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) July 13, 2020

What did you see out there?

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—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—

Source: Viktorcvetkovic / Getty

The thought of retirement can be anxiety-inducing for millennials. On one hand, it’s something that you’re absolutely certain you should be doing. However, getting started can be quite overwhelming. As a result, some simply choose to ignore the issue with hopes that it will go away. This, of course, is a major mistake.

“The most important thing to do in your 30s is to make saving a priority,” says Matt Frankel, Certified Financial Planner at The Ascent. “Your money will never have the long-term compounding power that it has now, and it’ll be far easier to build a comfortable nest egg if you get started while you’re still several decades away from retirement.”

We know that financial planning is not only intimidating but also confusing, which is why we consulted experts for simple and straight-to-the-point advice that will help you hit the ground running.

Save, save, save

“Start by saving at least 10% of your income for retirement, and ideally 15%. If you’re in your 30s and just getting started, saving 15% of your income as quickly as you can is important to make up some of the lost time,” said Greg McBridge, Senior Vice President & Chief Financial Analyst at Bankrate.

Employee 401(k)  plans

“If you have a retirement plan like a 401(k) available at work, make sure you’re taking full advantage of your employer’s matching contributions,” Frankel added. “If your employer is willing to match your contributions up to 4% of your salary, for example, that’s the absolute minimum you should be contributing even if you invest in an IRA or other account. Not taking advantage of your employer’s match is like turning down free money.’

IRA accounts

“If you don’t have an employer-sponsored retirement plan, or you want a bit more independence when it comes to selecting your investments, an individual retirement account, or IRA, is a smart way to go,” Frankel went on. “In an IRA, you can invest in virtually any stocks, bonds, or funds you want.”

Mixed investments

“Unlike stocks and bonds, you don’t have to worry about increasing risk when you reach for yield on deposit accounts. Just make sure you stay below federal deposit insurance coverage levels,” shared banking expert Ken Tumin of Deposit Accounts by LendingTree. “There’s no free lunch. Achieving higher yields on your deposit accounts requires some work, but a little work can have a big impact on yields. Online tools can reduce the work and help you to quickly find the right mix of the deposit accounts.”

Special retirement accounts for the self-employed

“If you’re self-employed, there are special types of retirement accounts that you should consider, such as the SEP-IRA and SIMPLE IRA which are offered by most popular online brokerages,” Frankel suggests. “These have significantly higher contribution limits than traditional or Roth IRAs, and they can help you maximize your tax savings.”

Source: Axelle/Bauer-Griffin / Getty

Actress Naya Rivera has been confirmed dead, five days after she disappeared during a trip on California’s Lake Piru with her 4-year-old son.

Rivera was 33.

During a news conference, Sheriff Bill Ayub said, “We are confident the body we found is that of Naya Rivera. It has been an extremely difficult time for her family throughout this ordeal … our hearts are with them and we share in their grief for Naya’s loss.”

The Sheriff shared that there was no evidence of foul play or suicide.

Sadly, today marks the seven-year anniversary of “Glee” co-star Cory Monteith’s death. Monteith was 31 when he died of a heroin overdose in 2013.

Rivera began her acting career at the age of four with a recurring role on the CBS sitcom “The Royal Family.” Endorsed by legendary comedian Redd Foxx,  on “The Arsenio Hall Show,” Rivera would star in “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” “Family Matters,” and “The Bernie Mac Show.”

Cast members from “Glee,” where Rivera played Santana Lopez visited Lake Piru today to pay tribute to Rivera, along with her family.

Rivera leaves behind her four-year-old son Josey who she shared with ex-husband Ryan Dorsey.

According to Sheriff Ayub, Dorsey said, “He and Naya swam in the lake together. Her son described being helped into the boat by Naya. He looked back and saw her disappear under the surface of the water.”

Three months earlier, Dorsey and Rivera had agreed on joint custody. On Sunday, Dorsey was seen joining in the search for Rivera, getting into the water with Rivera’s family, including her mother who called out to her from the shore and her father who swam in the lake searching for her.

Some of Rivera’s last posts on social media seemed to send an eerily appropriate message.

On July 2, she tweeted: “no matter the year, circumstance, or strifes every day you’re alive is a blessing,” she added. “make the most of today and every day you are given. tomorrow is not promised.”

And the day before she went missing, she shared a picture of herself and her son Josey with the caption, “Just the two of us.”